How to rebuild trust? Step by step

Imagine that gravity suddenly vanishes from your home. It doesn’t happen with a bang—simply on a Tuesday, reaching for a mug of coffee, you notice that nothing is where it should be. You have to watch every step, hold onto the walls, and verify that the floor is definitely still beneath you. Every simplest activity, which until now was automatic, requires immense effort and constant analysis.

This describes exactly what the moment when trust is broken looks like.

The worst part isn’t the lie, the betrayal, or the unfulfilled promise. The worst part is the loss of the luxury of not having to monitor everything. The moment when a casual “I’ll be there in ten minutes” ceases to be information and becomes a hypothesis that your brain desperately tries to verify. The silence in the other room, which used to be soothing, suddenly becomes suspicious.

Trust is the invisible infrastructure of our lives. Like oxygen—you only notice it when it starts to run out. If you are reading this, you are likely trying to catch your breath. The good news is that although “gravity” has disappeared, it can be rebuilt—brick by brick, but this time on a much harder foundation.

Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.
– Stephen R. Covey

Trust plays a gigantic role in our society. Its level drives the economy, acts as a pillar of social security, unlocks the true speed of action, and serves as a reserve parachute in situations where we must act against rules and agreements without time to explain our reasoning.

Myths Associated with Trust

Trust is built slowly.

Standard wisdom says trust is built through a series of micro-moments in which you fulfill promises and expectations. If there are many of these moments, the process moves faster. BUT, that is not all you can do.

The pace of building trust depends on the type, intensity, and quality of actions, not just pages in a calendar and typical interactions.

Type, Intensity, and Quality

Focusing on actions in the specific area where you want to build trust will accelerate its growth in that area. We often trust our loved ones with certain things while retaining caution in others.

Beyond these direct actions, there are two things we can communicate to accelerate trust-building or receive trust on credit:

Our Intentions and Our Competence.

The person with whom you want to build trust is never 100% certain of your intentions; at the beginning of a relationship, they are usually unsure of them. By communicating them clearly, sincerely, and regularly, we can eliminate the other party’s fears regarding our potential bad intentions (benevolence).

It is also worth communicating our competence by citing events from our history where we successfully and ethically did what we are asking to be trusted with now. In addition to experience, we can use diplomas, certificates, or the reputation provided by a third party.

Consistency between what we do and say, radical candor, full transparency, and facing difficulties together (“we,” not “me vs. you”) will build a deep bond much faster than years of superficial correctness.

Rebuilding trust is practically impossible.

It is not “time” that heals wounds, but what we do during that time.

This is one of the most harmful myths because it strips away hope at the start. Yet, experiences recorded in research show that relationships after a crisis can be even stronger than before!

However, we must ask ourselves:

Is it worth it? (Sometimes, the time and effort required are not worth the outcome).
Are we ready for the challenge?

When the foundations are demolished, we have the chance to build new ones—this time consciously, without guesswork, and based on deeper communication. “Naive” trust is replaced by “mature” trust. It is not impossible; it is simply demanding because it forces both parties to stand in truth and undertake the massive challenge of building from a genuine baseline—firing the bricks one by one.

Rebuilding trust means returning to how things were.

Trust after a breach is never identical to the original state. The relationship must receive a new foundation, often stronger, because only this new one is truly mutually built, based on conscious decisions and tested commitment. This is a new, better trust, not a copy of the old one.

Forgiveness means I have to forget what happened.

Forgiveness is a decision to release oneself from bitterness and the desire to punish, but it does not imply amnesia. The injured party has the right to remember and use that knowledge to set boundaries and protect themselves in the future. Additionally, remembering exactly “where the house cracked” is valuable when pouring new foundations.

The question remains: what steps should be taken to rebuild trust?

Rebuild Trust from the Position of the Violator (The Trust-Breaker)

1. Take Full Responsibility

Acknowledge your actions as wrong without excuses or blame-shifting, accepting the pain you have caused. Communicate exactly this—that you do not justify your actions and are aware of the hurt inflicted.

2. Apologize Sincerely

Offer an apology that expresses remorse and an understanding of the consequences, rather than just uttering the word “sorry.”

3. It’s Not Over, the Matter is Not Settled!

Unfortunately, most people stop at these two steps. Why?

They don’t know what more they could do.
Presence in a space where their guilt is evident is heavy for them—so they flee.
They believe that a sincere apology should be met with forgiveness. If it isn’t, they feel the other party is now at fault.

4. Clearly Communicate Remedial Steps

Instead of empty promises (“I’ll do better”), present concrete steps you will take to repair the damage and ensure it does not happen again.

When trying to rebuild trust, it is best if your words align perfectly with your actions. If you say you will be back at 5:00 PM, be there at 4:55 PM. Being late, which once might have been trivial, is now evidence of a lack of change.

Surrender Some Privacy – Over-communicate!

In the area where you failed, you have no right to expect someone to “figure it out.” Inform proactively. If you failed financially, show the receipts before being asked. If you failed in fidelity, share your location before the question “Where are you?” is asked. This shouldn’t last forever, but it is a necessary prosthetic during the rehabilitation of the relationship.

Notice the Other Side’s Emotions

When the other party brings the topic back up, do not react defensively (“How many times are we going to talk about this?!”). Understand that this is a symptom of anxiety, not an attack. Your task is to soothe this anxiety with calmness and consistency, not arguments. Be ready to discuss difficult topics, answer questions, and listen to fears without adopting a defensive posture.

Demonstrate and Report Changes

Match words to deeds; keep promises and be predictable in a positive way. Identify and change the habits that led to the breach of trust, and create new, positive behaviors. Along the way, report on what you are doing to be a credible, conscientious person in the future.

Rebuild Trust from the Position of the Violated (The Hurt One)

1. Go to the Balcony

Using William Ury’s metaphor: when emotions take over and wounds scream, we lose perspective. “Going to the balcony” means mentally distancing yourself, looking at the situation from the corner of the room, as if watching a scene in a theater. This allows you to separate the desire for revenge from the desire to repair the relationship. Before reacting, ask yourself: Will what I want to say now bring us closer to a great solution, or just allow me to vent my anger?

2. Separate Good from Bad, Intentions from Actions, Be Specific

Ensure that in your communication, you do not criticize good behavior. Sometimes, when someone fails to deliver on a promise, they are simultaneously doing something else positive that you welcome. If we don’t want to lose that person’s engagement in that “something else,” we cannot launch a full-scale attack.

It also happens that behind a breach of trust lies some intention—however twisted—that is positive or neutral (e.g., a desire to protect loved ones from worry, fear of rejection).

Example: Someone hid financial problems because they didn’t want to worry you and believed they could fix it themselves. If, unaware of these good intentions, you launch a frontal attack, the other person may also feel deceived—their desire to protect you from worry was rejected.

How to do it better? Try to detect the good things the other person did, name them, appreciate them, and then—as precisely as possible—name the problem. Using I-Statements (I-Messages) will help you create a message about what actually constituted the breach of trust.

3. Express Your Feelings Using I-Statements

I-Statement (Constructive)	YOU-Statement (Destructive)
I feel lied to.	You are lying to me.
I feel upset when I clean the house and see you in front of the TV.	You annoy me by constantly watching movies.
I feel ridiculed.	You are mocking me.

In a crisis, especially before “going to the balcony,” a typical human has a tendency to attack and use generalized accusations: “You always lie!”, “You are irresponsible!” Such a YOU-statement automatically puts the other side on the defensive, closing them off to hearing your pain. Instead, shift the center of gravity to your own experience and emotional state.

Talk about pain, fear, and disappointment, rather than accusing. The formula is simple: “I feel [emotion] when you [description of facts/behavior] because [need].”

Example: “I feel anxiety and unease when you return home later than agreed, because I need to know that I can rely on your word.”

This approach increases the chance that the other side will hear your pain and see the consequences of their behavior, rather than just feeling attacked. Sharing vulnerability—instead of aggression—is the key to reopening channels of effective communication.

4. Establish Boundaries

Clearly communicate the new rules of the game. What is now acceptable, and what will initiate specific consequences or the end of the relationship. Also, offer a chance to shift boundaries in the future if specific joint plans are crowned with success. You will feel at least a little safer knowing that you control the new rules. At the same time, you paint a plan for a “golden bridge” which, if crossed by the other party, will contribute to renewed trust.

5. Practice Forgiveness

When you are able, decide to abandon bitterness. Remember that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself, not just the perpetrator. It is a decision that the past will no longer control your future. In situations where rebuilding trust simply isn’t “profitable” or wise, forgiveness does not have to mean continuing the relationship.

Good luck!