Know when to speak up and when to remain watching

Words carry unmatched power. Although we usually talk to achieve very mundane things like having the floor swept, the dinner cooked or knowing when to pick up a kid at school, the world has never seen a weapon of comparable strength. They have the power to start and end wars. Words shape the world.

Knowing what to say and when to say it proves to be the most powerful human skill. When analyzing how people decide on what to say, we observe that, sprouted by their history and specific situations, people may feel the urge to say more, or feel like they would rather not say anything.

Those two impulses are aimed at protecting us from adversity and guarding our current self-image. At times this unfortunately means preventing very needed change.

It took me a long time to realize that A) the impulse to stay quiet is a signal to speak up, and B) the impulse to say one more thing is a signal to stfu.

– Ed Batista, Lecturer at Stanford University

Those urges are at their root emotional, we feel like saying one more thing, or feel like not saying anything. And although emotions play a crucial role in logical reasoning, they are not always reliable indicators for making effective decisions, and at times, they can lead us to behave contrary to our own best interests.

Let’s recognize the distinctions between these two motivations.

The impulse to say more – when we should remain watching

The impulse to say one more thing is certainly affected by the human environment around us, particularly if we have experienced repression in the past or have low perceptions of self-worth. However, in this case, we have felt empowered to express ourselves and have been actively engaging. The individuals we are conversing with have been attentive, receptive, and open to our input, yet for some reason, it still doesn’t feel quite right, enough for us. We want something more from them, and we want it now. We experience a desperate need to fulfill our desires. As a conversation comes to a close, or perhaps has already finished, we impulsively extend it at the last moment, hurriedly sharing our thoughts. Initially, we feel victorious! We might be emotionally stirred by others, and this last often sassy comment will be generated by our mind in a dire attempt to diminish someone and retain our already-low image of self-worth. But soon it becomes clear that our last input was unnecessary and even detrimental, stemming only from impatience and self-centeredness. Or even worse if even after our uncontrolled output we don’t notice it’s detrimental effect and we retaining a strong belief in the importance and righteousness of what we have expressed.

Apart from this there are also situations when we notice things that irritate us in the way others behave. Usually to correct someone’s behavior so that existing next to them is pleasant, we need to somehow communicate whatever irritates us. There are better and worse ways and times to communicate this. Let’s imagine your wife is sharp with you, you should probably let it go. And if it happens a second time, you likely still shouldn’t say anything. And then, after the third time, you can say: look, we need to talk. And then you explain what happened.

Changing behavior is also more effective when we encourage desired behavior instead of criticising whatever was unacceptable. Here you can read my theory of watching like a hawk.

The impulse to stay quiet – when it’s time to speak up

Often, this inhibition manifests as a sense of unease, caution, anxiety, or even dread. We might convince ourselves it’s safer to remain silent, leading us to hold back our thoughts. We might try to rationalize to ourselves why we remained quiet saying: After all at times, it can be challenging to determine if voicing your opinion will result in the change we want, or whether it will backlash.

This impulse prevents us from saying things that go against the status-quo and guard the moments of possibility.

The impulse to stay quiet is seldom a matter of personal experience alone. Although individual psychology certainly plays a part, group dynamics almost always influence our hesitation to speak out.

The environment we find ourselves in—whether it’s a relationship, event, group, or culture—feels threatened by our voice in some way and seeks to protect itself by suppressing us, creating an environment that is uninviting towards conflicting opinions. This suppression doesn’t always manifest as harsh censorship or blatant hostility; it can often come across in friendly and accommodating manners. However, when the system detects that our input could lead to embarrassment or pose a threat, especially to someone in a position of authority, it typically initiates a “defense routine,” a term coined by Chris Argyris, to avert such discomfort. This highlights the urge to remain silent, as well as the crucial need to oppose the system’s counter-productive repression by speaking out. Speaking our will likely create conflict, but change is most often a result of conflict. Once this conflict initiates, we can lead it to possible resolutions.

People are so afraid to speak up you just cannot believe it.

You should be afraid to speak up, but you should be more afraid not to speak up. That’s the thing. You’re screwed both ways—pick your poison; you might say well if I don’t speak up I’m safe, yeah, you are for the next fifteen minutes, but you’ve sacrificed a bit of your soul—you might need that bit to get through life without getting all twisted and resentful. So if you’ve got something to say… say it.

Jordan Peterson – 2017/02/11: An incendiary discussion at Ryerson

Let’s come back to the wife that said something sharply, ignoring this unwanted behavior is at first couple occurrences beneficial, but although ignoring it indefinitely may for some be easier, if you ignore it a thousand times, your marriage will likely be over. So if this is your risk, speak up.

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To summarize, whenever you decide to speak up or remain silent, you never know for sure what’s going to happen, it might be bad, it might be good, both behaviors have the same consequences. But if you feel to urge to stay quiet, or speak more, it may just be that the most productive thing for you to do is to do the opposite.